an expression of amused indulgence came over her face the subtleties of which i cant quite convey so ill have to make do with the description of it as absolutely bleeding infuriating 
how much she said will you give me if i find it 
ok so this operates on two levels the first is simple sadism margret knows the agony it would cause me if  after my prolonged stomping insistence that it isnt there  she calmly walks over and places her hand immediately on it tauntingly she knows that just the possibility of this happening is quite probably enough for my nerve to crack she is well aware that if just one more time my frustrated raging of the nail scissors arent here see theyre not bloody here do you understand not here look go on you try to find them then go on where are they then eh receives the nearinstantaneous reply here they are and a pair of nail scissors then im simply going to have to run away to sea can you see the other level the one which ties it in kind with the shut up affair though have a think 
thats it well spotted monetary gain if ive maintained that something isnt somewhere until ive had to jump up and down hold my breath and squeal that shes not my real mom then simple human decency should compel margret to say yes youre right rather than go there and find it going there and finding it is what youd expect a colombian death squad to do what separates margret from a colombian death squad  perhaps the only thing that does  is subtlety shes awfully keen to make that bet about finding things isnt she now why could that be well obviously its because shes rigged the deck the reason i cant find what im looking for is that shes previously spotted what im looking for and moved it 
i have innate positioning instincts you see like a salmon returning thousands of miles across unmarked oceans right to the stream where it was born in exactly the same way when ive finished using it i will place a screwdriver on top of a bedroom radiator and  when i need it again perhaps eighteen months later  unerringly return to that spot to retrieve it frequently to discover that margret has maddeningly taken it upon herself to transfer it to somewhere else my instincts moreover are incredibly precise if im looking for a pair of trainers that my astonishingly accurate positional memory remembers putting down in the bottom left of a cupboard then im not going to notice them if some fiend has moved them to the bottom right of the cupboard during the intervening four and a half years am i thatd be stupid whats the point of having a gift for such specific location if your visual perception is so vague as to wander around all over the place eh whats more i place things logically where are you most likely to need carpet tacks and a hammer for example precisely so leaving them on the stairs is simple ergonomics 
however for some reason margret is unable to respect my filing system she spends her day roaming the house wilfully moving things from where ive deliberately placed them and thats why shes keen to make the bet shes hidden my stuff and now she wants me to pay for her to retrieve it its basically a form of extortion isnt it lets call a spade a spade margret has kidnapped my stuff and is holding it for ransom really ladies and gentlemen its a sad state of affairs when your girlfriend abducts your favourite underpants 
 
 
simply odd odd were writing christmas cards at the moment and margret asked if id print out a family photo to include with them i have many photos of us taken during every season and in numerous different locations  all however show precisely the same pose margret  beaming smile mil  solemn resignation first born  looking down at a game boy second born  tongue out at camera fingers pulling up to expose inside of nostrils now im aware that including a family photo with a christmas card is not at all unusual in america and i dont want to appear to criticise this im sure its perfectly lovely when an american sends such a card to another american its simply a tradition and no more a cause for comment in its context than any other of the fine customs unique to that country like um like pie eating competitions say or religious snakehandling as an english person though the notion of sending out pictures of ourselves strikes me as narcissistically brash i mentioned this to margret and though she had sympathy with the concept that nonamerican people who send out photos of themselves might reasonably be assumed to be utterly dreadful she said she thought that sometimes it was nice to get a picture she thought it was nice for a very specific reason because then you can see what size they are now this is clearly nonsense  oh look  theyre by  unless people are sending out photographs of themselves next to an item of known dimensions a bit like those kidnap photos where the victim is holding the days paper bill emma helen matt and blackie ensure that theyre posing by a regulation roadside telephone cab box with their arms linked to avoid tricks of perspective more pertinently though  what the hell so you can see what size they are what on earth does that mean am i expected to open a card splutter out my mouthful of tea in shock and call out quick take ted and sarah off our list  ive just found out theyre bleeding midgets it is as i say simply odd 
 
 
im off to germany for a few weeks apologies if my absence results in your doing any work 
 
 
except i have to pop back briefly to tell you what just happened im about to cycle into town and margret stops me as im setting off will you bring back that filing cabinet from argos she asks can you ladies and gentlemen imagine a person cycling two miles through christmas traffic on a mountain bike carrying a filing cabinet 
margret can 
right i really must get packed for germany now